Gradual Release of Responsibility

Morons

2011-02-11T23:03:00.001-08:00

Briefly reading through some past information makes me come to the realization that:
Most people are goddamn idiots
Goddamn loud idiots

Sabotage

2011-02-11T22:43:00.000-08:00

How come, when things are going fairly I have to throw a wrench in my own works? The relationship that I am in, is nice. Not healthy by any means, I am addicted in every sense of the word, to the way he makes me feel. I have not received attention like this in years, and I can't live or breathe anything else. Literally, nothing else is on my mind, the homework that I don't do, the grading I find excuses not to do, the home I am not finished moving into.

So, instead of standing back and saying this isn't healthy, I just dive in, head first. Yes, it's fun and exciting for now, but when I come up for air, I know I'll find the piles of shit I have left for myself. Healthy or not, apparently I am not content. Because I am always always thinking about that other guy.

That other guy who lives by the most asinine rules, the one I couldn't woo. Is that the only reason for continued attraction (unhealthy obsession)? Because he doesn't want me? Meh, probably. Thinking about him constantly sure makes me feel something like guilt. Mostly fear that I will say the wrong thing, and the youngster will find out. A 10 year relationship, and I still haven't learned how to stay loyal. I was with ole' what's his face out of duty, pity and title for the past two years. Or, maybe laziness. I'm not Catholic, but I do understand guilt. Where did that come from?

I feel wrong, being with someone so much younger. I want to know why someone my age doesn't want to be with me. I guess, sometimes I don't want to be with me either.

Changed Gears

2010-12-16T20:26:00.000-08:00

So, the blog has transformed from my first year(s) of teaching to my current life change. So, I'm getting a divorce, so I've been with the same person for 10 years, so I haven't sold my house and I feel like a giant wound. Let's back up a bit...
Things weren't going well for a while. I had resigned myself to a life of quite desperation (for lack of a better explanation), but I thought those were the kind of sacrifices I had to make; being married. Maybe not being married, being in a stable relationship. Anyhow...I figured something was wrong when we stopped all physical acts. ALL. And I didn't say anything about it, thinking it was in my head, then thinking I didn't want to have that conversation with anybody, "Why aren't we doing it?" What's wrong? Is it me? Is it you? (Heaven forbid, because I didn't have any control over that) And I didn't want to make anyone feel lousy, and least not anyone but myself. Anyhow, the conversation was eventually and painfully had. He was depressed. Honestly, and I really hope no one reads this, but the greatest fear that I have ever had was to have a mental problem. Drinking as I have been, I can't think of the popular vernacular. Whatever. It has been the greatest unspoken fear. And I had made it to 25, without any symptoms of mental disease. And I thought my partner had too. I was wrong. Was I wrong? Had I been symptom free, of course not. But that was my lot, right?
Anyhow, the mental instability of my mate...no sex, no personal connection. I was lonely. I still am. So, the conversation was had, he tried some anti-depressants. Whatever, he wasn't good at, and didn't want to ever really talk about what was going on. He eventually said this habit was to protect me.
Blah blah blah...this isn't what I got on here to talk about.
Now I am striking out on my own. And everything about it fucking sucks. I am alone, and I feel it. My friends are available, but they can't take 'alone' away.
Christ. I don't want it. I am so obsessed because I don't want to be alone anymore.
Jesus. Poor fucking me. Please don't comment on this.

So taking a step back, I feel like I have immatured in major decision making abilities by leaps and bounds.

Wait, Really?

2009-10-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

I finally came back to my blog, and I spent 10 minutes complaining about a wiener of a co-worker and now it's gone? Well, I guess I feel better that somewhere there is a document about how much this person sucks.

Johnny Tremaine

2008-09-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

What are your thoughts? It's been quite a while since I read it. 8th grade history starts at the Revolutionary War, thought it would be a nice segue.

Work Shmerk

2008-09-27T18:18:00.000-07:00

Dude, it's Saturday. I am kind of worried out about what we are doing next week. I don't want suggestions, I have ideas. I don't want to do a bunch of little things. Anyhow, I just wish I had the forethought to remember my damn Social Studies text book so I wouldn't have to go to stupid work tomorrow. Pooh. I don't think I will, it would have just made life easier, so so so much easier.

Things that don't involve work

2008-09-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

But for reals, they do. I went to the student's football game on Friday. I met parents, watched some humanity for a while. Interesting. Our team got clobbered, but one if my students was injured, badly. I was sad, hopefully he will be okay.

After that I went home, and tried to go on a date with my husband, but ended up falling asleep at 7:30pm.

Now I am avoiding grading the last period's WNBs. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

My back hurts, and it is so hot. It is quite unpleasant in the house, makes me not want to sit in front of a computer screen that is emanating heat.

Where have I been?

2008-09-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

Hiding. I was feeling good about my progress until today. I feel like I am behind, way behind. But a little of me is excited, but mostly nervous for tomorrow. Ugh. And that is it.

Meetings and More

2008-08-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

So yesterday started off with a million people trying to cram themselves into too few tables and chairs. People were unprepared for how many LA/SS teachers there were going to be in the district. Microphones didn't work, presentations were hard to hear and see. It was a rough beginning to a long day. It was hard to concentrate from that point forward.

Check it out, none of (well the one that counts) the other LA teachers even checked their email all summer or took anything home with them.

This post is taking me a few days to write. And literally for the last hour and a half, I was convinced, convinced today was Tuesday. Whoa. And I feel like I wrestled a bear, and lost.

On the up side, I saw 3 of my students yesterday (Tuesday.) And they are genuinely stoked to have me (at least 2 of them are.) The other still took out his ear phones and talked to me when I walked up to him. He is playing football, yay. I was afraid that he wouldn't be allowed to do inter -murals anymore (the end of last year was way rough.)

So, back to today (now that it's over.) Oh my god. My brain is mush. I brought my seating chart and junk home with me today, I had to get out of there. The PLC conversation and language was a bit over my head, the meetings were over my head, the time that we spent talking in circles was crippling. I don't know if it was circles, my mind shut off 1/2 way into it.

My body doesn't move as quickly as I need it to, I can't make other people move faster either. Driving home was slow. Now I feel like I am trying to pull myself out of melted butter. My fuse is short, and I don't want to be messed with. Why? Because today went poorly. I think the progress I made yesterday started reversing itself. I feel like instead of forward, things are moving painfully backwards. Ugh.

Emotional Wreck

2008-08-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend was an emotional roller coaster. I don't really want to write about it. But one thing I think I forgot to mention earlier about my blog is that it will be my outlet. I don't want to post any of my materials, or papers, or what nots. This blog is my release, not my how to.

The only thing I want to do is sit on the couch with Otto, and space out watching any Harry Potter movie that is on television. Sorry about the end of the summer pulled pork extravaganza. I feel like crap, and I just want to hang out with my dog.

Put Up My Boards and Whatnots

2008-08-22T13:12:00.001-07:00

Now my room doesn't feel so barren. Heather helped me put up some butcher paper to cover my walls, and Linda gave me some border. It was the right price, free. Hurrah. Don't know if that is the final configuration, but I don't have to think about it right now. Double hurrah!

Now I have some color on my walls, I can visually see progress, although that isn't my #1 priority. I just feel more prepared than I was before. There is so much to do, I can't focus. I keep writing lists, where are they all? Now I have to keep them together.

I have some good ideas for initial writing assignments (thank you Heather!) Some things to help assess the students' previous knowledge. Big words like that make me feel like what I have planed is like what a real teacher would do for the first days. Heather said, that way I can spend time that week(s) figuring out what my PLC is doing and begin synchronizing with them.

Starting this stage in my life makes me feel like I have to make adult decisions now. Which makes me sad. But the decision making had to start so quickly, maybe I'll have time to look back and mourn my irresponsible in between time in the summer. Next summer seems so far away, but I feel like September was last week and I am already behind. Crap.

Everything is going so fast, and I don't think that is bad right now. If it was happening slower, I think I would have time to obsess and freak out.

Exciting Times Had By All

2008-08-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had the most amazing time with two of the loveliest people ever. All made possible by Erin. And why, do you ask were 3 ladies celebrating on a Wednesday night? Because I just received my first teaching job ever.

I don't know if I can express my emotions, I am exhausted right now because I celebrated every one of them until the wee hours of the morning. I am excited, nervous, happy, scared, awestruck, overwhelmed. I could go on...

I get the opportunity to do exactly what I went to school for. For a while I never thought it was going to happen. And since I am such a negative Nelly, I started planning beyond the school year. But now, I get to plan one day at a time. Which, for anyone who knows me, is really all I like to focus on. I mean, I can see that next Thursday is going to happen, but today is the first step to getting there.

So, my blog's intent is to chronicle the ups and downs of my first year ever teaching. I am new to blogging, and I don't spell well. If you keep up with this, then you agree to deal with both of those things.

This opportunity for me was the culmination of a lot of people's efforts. I don't know if I can thank everyone enough, so just know that I am blaming everything on you.

And...
if I ever sit down and work on this on my computer, I will ad some pictures of something.