So, the blog has transformed from my first year(s) of teaching to my current life change. So, I'm getting a divorce, so I've been with the same person for 10 years, so I haven't sold my house and I feel like a giant wound. Let's back up a bit...
Things weren't going well for a while. I had resigned myself to a life of quite desperation (for lack of a better explanation), but I thought those were the kind of sacrifices I had to make; being married. Maybe not being married, being in a stable relationship. Anyhow...I figured something was wrong when we stopped all physical acts. ALL. And I didn't say anything about it, thinking it was in my head, then thinking I didn't want to have that conversation with anybody, "Why aren't we doing it?" What's wrong? Is it me? Is it you? (Heaven forbid, because I didn't have any control over that) And I didn't want to make anyone feel lousy, and least not anyone but myself. Anyhow, the conversation was eventually and painfully had. He was depressed. Honestly, and I really hope no one reads this, but the greatest fear that I have ever had was to have a mental problem. Drinking as I have been, I can't think of the popular vernacular. Whatever. It has been the greatest unspoken fear. And I had made it to 25, without any symptoms of mental disease. And I thought my partner had too. I was wrong. Was I wrong? Had I been symptom free, of course not. But that was my lot, right?
Anyhow, the mental instability of my mate...no sex, no personal connection. I was lonely. I still am. So, the conversation was had, he tried some anti-depressants. Whatever, he wasn't good at, and didn't want to ever really talk about what was going on. He eventually said this habit was to protect me.
Blah blah blah...this isn't what I got on here to talk about.
Now I am striking out on my own. And everything about it fucking sucks. I am alone, and I feel it. My friends are available, but they can't take 'alone' away.
Christ. I don't want it. I am so obsessed because I don't want to be alone anymore.
Jesus. Poor fucking me. Please don't comment on this.
So taking a step back, I feel like I have immatured in major decision making abilities by leaps and bounds.
