Morons

Briefly reading through some past information makes me come to the realization that:
Most people are goddamn idiots
Goddamn loud idiots

Sabotage

How come, when things are going fairly I have to throw a wrench in my own works? The relationship that I am in, is nice. Not healthy by any means, I am addicted in every sense of the word, to the way he makes me feel. I have not received attention like this in years, and I can't live or breathe anything else. Literally, nothing else is on my mind, the homework that I don't do, the grading I find excuses not to do, the home I am not finished moving into.

So, instead of standing back and saying this isn't healthy, I just dive in, head first. Yes, it's fun and exciting for now, but when I come up for air, I know I'll find the piles of shit I have left for myself. Healthy or not, apparently I am not content. Because I am always always thinking about that other guy.

That other guy who lives by the most asinine rules, the one I couldn't woo. Is that the only reason for continued attraction (unhealthy obsession)? Because he doesn't want me? Meh, probably. Thinking about him constantly sure makes me feel something like guilt. Mostly fear that I will say the wrong thing, and the youngster will find out. A 10 year relationship, and I still haven't learned how to stay loyal. I was with ole' what's his face out of duty, pity and title for the past two years. Or, maybe laziness. I'm not Catholic, but I do understand guilt. Where did that come from?

I feel wrong, being with someone so much younger. I want to know why someone my age doesn't want to be with me. I guess, sometimes I don't want to be with me either.

Changed Gears

So, the blog has transformed from my first year(s) of teaching to my current life change. So, I'm getting a divorce, so I've been with the same person for 10 years, so I haven't sold my house and I feel like a giant wound. Let's back up a bit...
Things weren't going well for a while. I had resigned myself to a life of quite desperation (for lack of a better explanation), but I thought those were the kind of sacrifices I had to make; being married. Maybe not being married, being in a stable relationship. Anyhow...I figured something was wrong when we stopped all physical acts. ALL. And I didn't say anything about it, thinking it was in my head, then thinking I didn't want to have that conversation with anybody, "Why aren't we doing it?" What's wrong? Is it me? Is it you? (Heaven forbid, because I didn't have any control over that) And I didn't want to make anyone feel lousy, and least not anyone but myself. Anyhow, the conversation was eventually and painfully had. He was depressed. Honestly, and I really hope no one reads this, but the greatest fear that I have ever had was to have a mental problem. Drinking as I have been, I can't think of the popular vernacular. Whatever. It has been the greatest unspoken fear. And I had made it to 25, without any symptoms of mental disease. And I thought my partner had too. I was wrong. Was I wrong? Had I been symptom free, of course not. But that was my lot, right?
Anyhow, the mental instability of my mate...no sex, no personal connection. I was lonely. I still am. So, the conversation was had, he tried some anti-depressants. Whatever, he wasn't good at, and didn't want to ever really talk about what was going on. He eventually said this habit was to protect me.
Blah blah blah...this isn't what I got on here to talk about.
Now I am striking out on my own. And everything about it fucking sucks. I am alone, and I feel it. My friends are available, but they can't take 'alone' away.
Christ. I don't want it. I am so obsessed because I don't want to be alone anymore.
Jesus. Poor fucking me. Please don't comment on this.

So taking a step back, I feel like I have immatured in major decision making abilities by leaps and bounds.

Wait, Really?

I finally came back to my blog, and I spent 10 minutes complaining about a wiener of a co-worker and now it's gone? Well, I guess I feel better that somewhere there is a document about how much this person sucks.

Johnny Tremaine

What are your thoughts? It's been quite a while since I read it. 8th grade history starts at the Revolutionary War, thought it would be a nice segue.

Work Shmerk

Dude, it's Saturday. I am kind of worried out about what we are doing next week. I don't want suggestions, I have ideas. I don't want to do a bunch of little things. Anyhow, I just wish I had the forethought to remember my damn Social Studies text book so I wouldn't have to go to stupid work tomorrow. Pooh. I don't think I will, it would have just made life easier, so so so much easier.

Things that don't involve work

But for reals, they do. I went to the student's football game on Friday. I met parents, watched some humanity for a while. Interesting. Our team got clobbered, but one if my students was injured, badly. I was sad, hopefully he will be okay.

After that I went home, and tried to go on a date with my husband, but ended up falling asleep at 7:30pm.

Now I am avoiding grading the last period's WNBs. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

My back hurts, and it is so hot. It is quite unpleasant in the house, makes me not want to sit in front of a computer screen that is emanating heat.