Sabotage

How come, when things are going fairly I have to throw a wrench in my own works? The relationship that I am in, is nice. Not healthy by any means, I am addicted in every sense of the word, to the way he makes me feel. I have not received attention like this in years, and I can't live or breathe anything else. Literally, nothing else is on my mind, the homework that I don't do, the grading I find excuses not to do, the home I am not finished moving into.

So, instead of standing back and saying this isn't healthy, I just dive in, head first. Yes, it's fun and exciting for now, but when I come up for air, I know I'll find the piles of shit I have left for myself. Healthy or not, apparently I am not content. Because I am always always thinking about that other guy.

That other guy who lives by the most asinine rules, the one I couldn't woo. Is that the only reason for continued attraction (unhealthy obsession)? Because he doesn't want me? Meh, probably. Thinking about him constantly sure makes me feel something like guilt. Mostly fear that I will say the wrong thing, and the youngster will find out. A 10 year relationship, and I still haven't learned how to stay loyal. I was with ole' what's his face out of duty, pity and title for the past two years. Or, maybe laziness. I'm not Catholic, but I do understand guilt. Where did that come from?

I feel wrong, being with someone so much younger. I want to know why someone my age doesn't want to be with me. I guess, sometimes I don't want to be with me either.